Why?…Why do I grieve this miscarried child, this little flower of mine? I will forever hold you in my heart. From the moment of conception my baby had a unique purpose and a matchless DNA of its own. When my husband and I realized I was pregnant we rejoiced. We shared our joy with family days later on a Christmas morning. I recorded both our parents’ shock of happiness. They were first time grandparents. This precious child will forever be their first grandchild.
I openly announced our pregnancy to friends on social media soon after. The love, the joy, the congratulations, and the prayers moved my heart. Weeks later the unforeseen happened…I miscarried my baby. There was an undeniable physical, emotional and spiritual pain I suffered.
The next day I had an ultrasound. There was split of hope that maybe my baby survived. I saw nothing on the ultrasound screen, but it wasn’t until the PA verbally confirmed the miscarriage that I cried. These tears were a grief I had never experienced before. These tears recognized the deep connection between a Mother and her child. These tears were necessary. My husband and I sat in the car. He asked if we could name our child Jael and I instantly suggested Marie for the middle name. Jael Marie. Jael Marie is her name.
Less than 48 hours later, I was a keynote speaker at a Magnificat breakfast for women. I thought I had it all together until I started to share one of my Pro-life paintings, The Forsaken Found. My voice choked and tears began to run down my face. For the past 8 years this painting had healed countless men and women’s hearts that had suffered the loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth and/or abortion. Now I was the sufferer. I saw this painting in a completely new light. I explained the painting through my tears and then felt prompted to publicly share my miscarriage. After my talk, my vulnerability caused a line of women waiting to talk to me. Women came up to me sharing with me their personal stories and the miscarried children they had never grieved. I was so stunned by the silent suffering. My openness welcomed some to share their pregnancy losses for the first time.
A week later, I had the strength to publicly announce the loss of my baby on social media. My vulnerability once again caused countless women to personally call and message me to share that they too had miscarried. The simplest words like “I am sorry for your loss” were the most consoling, because they recognized the humanity of my child and acknowledged that it was ok to grieve.
Other sincerely meant responses were like swords through my heart. “Oh Amberose, that is why most women wait three months to announce their pregnancy…” If waiting three months is truly a “social norm” that means that there is an immeasurable number of women and men who suffer the loss of children in silence. Statistically, 1 and 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and a majority happen in the first 12 weeks. Is this why it is socially normal to announce at 12weeks? Why? Is it to avoid the pain of confronting the loss of the child? Is it to avoid the discomfort of people’s responses to the ended pregnancy? In the end, this social norm hurts the mother and the father. It tells them to keep their loss to themselves and “get over it”. These mothers and fathers have to experience this roller coaster of joy, worry, suffering, anger, guilt, shame and isolation alone and in silence. This silence needs to be broken.
My dear friends, you do not have to mourn your loss alone. If you find you are pregnant please share it with those closest to you. If you know of someone who has suffered a pregnancy loss, acknowledge the loss, be a listening ear, send a sympathy card, remember the anniversary of the loss even if it is many years later. This tells the parents that it is “ok” to grieve.
If you have miscarried or regretfully aborted a child, name your baby. Don’t over think it if you didn’t know your baby’s gender. Name them anyway. They are being cradled in the arms of Jesus, Mary, Joseph and all the saints in heaven. Your baby is your personal saint and intercessor. I am so thankful for the numerous prayers and words of wisdom all my friends have shared with me during this suffering. Jesus calls us all to carry our cross just like Him. All crosses, if faithfully carried, will one day turn to eternal joy. For now I will forever hold Jael Marie in my heart, but one day I will hold her in Heaven.
This painting is to memorialize all the innocent babies lost in the most vulnerable stages of life. Whether lost through an ectopic pregnancy, a miscarriage, a stillbirth, a neonatal death or an abortion, each baby is willfully and wonderfully made. From the moment of conception each child has a distinctive DNA of its own. No matter the age, gender, race or ethnicity every baby is uniquely made just like the beautiful flowers of springtime.
At first, when looking at this painting the eye is drawn to a third trimester baby embraced by the loving hands of his Mother. Surrounding this precious child in the womb is a garden of flowers in hues of every color in the rainbow. God gifted us the beautiful rainbow after the great flood. The rainbow is a sign of hope, a symbol of God’s mercy and a mark of God’s infinite love for us.
Falling from the sky are babies gently cradled in flower petals. Each baby is at a different gestational age of development from zygote, to blastocyst, to embryo, to fetus. Every unborn baby in the womb has an irreplaceable purpose even if its developmental stage and life span was significantly younger than the average human being. God has willfully and wonderfully created each human being in the womb with an essence, a life and a soul.
I dedicated this painting in memory of my first child, Jael Marie, and to all babies lost in the earliest stages of life.
